I’m sure that you’d would rather, Oh have me disappear, Under 20 tonnes of concrete, Or hog tied from a pier So I’m a drag on your rising star, Are you going to have me Taken out in a dimly lit bar But I will haunt you from afar, Bang the wardrobe in the dark, Rattle the drawers crack porcelain things, Alexa! Play Sting! It’s my petty revenge thing Fields of Gold, Oh it never gets old You could get one of your mates, To tamper with my car brakes, And tie up your loose ends, As I get spread across a hairpin bend But I will judge you from That’s me not jam, In your Mason jar In your Mason jars But I will haunt you from afar, Bang the wardrobe in the dark, Rattle the drawers crack porcelain things, Alexa! Play Sting! It’s my petty revenge thing Fields of Gold, Oh it never gets old You can’t hide your pure elation, As I’m bumped off by a far relation, From top of the pile to down at the arse end, Shoving body parts down your Ubend But I’ll be back to put it on repeat, Cos that happens when you mess with me, Cos Fields of Gold on a loop, Leaves me feeling cock a hoop And I will haunt you from afar, Bang the wardrobe in the dark, Rattle the drawers crack porcelain things, Alexa! Play Sting! It’s a petty revenge thing Fields of Gold, Oh it never gets old Alexa! Play Sting! Alexa! Play Sting! It’s a petty revenge thing It’s a petty revenge thing It’s a petty revenge thing It’s a petty revenge thing Alexa! Play Sting!

He Came from Above (Seagull Song) Verse 1 Similies and metaphors, Robbed while walking Northern Shores, Emotional times wrapped in nursery rhymes, Laughter or tears, Well it’s a fine line Like a scene from You’ve been Framed, Seagull swoops and eats his ice cream, Winged from on the pier, It was in your grasp, Then it disappeared Chorus If there was a fanclub for seagulls, I wouldn’t be in it If there was a fanclub for seagulls, I wouldn’t be in it Verse 2 1,2,3,45 Once I caught a fish alive, 6,7,8,9,10, Had it once but it’s gone again How is it that you’re so entwined, Is it stamped around my insides, Candy canes and Blackpool rock, Scrub it off before it rots Chorus Verse 3 How time flies, Well that’s a crock of shit, It creeps slowly like a slug, With vaseline under it Chorus Bridge Sick and tired of going home, Going home, With an empty cone Chorus & Outro

Hunting high and low, For bottles and dregs of spirits, This one smells like paraffin, One sip maybe the sky's the limit I laid out a table of party snacks, And it's cocktail sausages, It's party hats, Cos freedom, Is a table, Of carbohydrates And this is my, Isolation Party, Gonna get fat and drunk, And wake up who knows when Tomorrow morning, Don’t bet on me Returning your comeback call ‘cos I spent all night Puking sausage rolls in to the toilet bowl And I ate, 22 chocolate french fancies, Now I’m as high as a kite, Or a climber in the Andes, Can I get lower in your estimations, When I call you two o’clock, From the police station this is my break up party Going to get fat and drunk, And wake up who knows when? Single life is fine, Single life is great, I’m just watching my life, Slowly dissipate (x4) Chorus Outro

What’s for lunch, What’s for lunch, Are you hoping it’s Monster Munch I dribble for pickled onion too, If they’re flaming hot, I’ll share them with you Do you wanna rustle, Really wanna rustle, Rustle in a packet with me? Cos I wanna rustle, Really wanna rustle, Rustle in a packet with you Dipping in the bag, Dipping in the bag, Our fingers entwined, Over potato snacks Got some nik naks, Nice and spicy, Don’t need owt else to entice me Got some crumbs in my beard, If you lick my face it won’t be weird, They’re foiled for freshness, We can eat till we’re breathless They’re foiled for freshness, We can eat till we’re breathless They’re foiled for freshness, We can eat till we’re breathless I dribble for pickled onion too I dribble for pickled onion too I dribble for pickled onion too I dribble for pickled onion too Do you wanna, wanna? Do you wanna, wanna? Do you wanna, wanna? Do you wanna, wanna? I dribble for pickled onion too

He’s 15ft 8, He’s everyone’s mate, He tells tall tales, He’s the toast of the dales They think he’s fine, They think he’s great, But they don’t know, His darker traits Well my giraffe, My giraffe, My giraffe, Is a sociopath He’s the life and soul, He’s so rock and roll, He’s there for you, He’s gonna pull you through, But when he gets home, He can’t hide, He can’t hide, His sinister side Well my giraffe, My giraffe, My giraffe, Is a sociopath He’s there for you, He’s gonna pull you through, But beware my friend it could be, A sticky end, But when he gets home, He can’t hide, He can’t hide, His sinister side

My third try on a dating site, After two false starts but this one felt right, Moved in for a kiss and a cuddle, Missing all the signs of impending trouble, Nowhere did I give my permission, For such a close shave, (Never) Read the terms and conditions Take more care of who you're befriending Legs in plaster ready for mending Upending, Your porcelain penguin, And that's not the way, They're supposed to be bending. And it's... Two cracked ankles, And a grisly ending, That's not the way they're bending Upending, Your porcelain penguin Tried the doors but they're well barred, Banged them hard, Until my shoulders jarred, Yanked at the windows again and again, But you've nailed them down and you've locked me in, I like a bit of titillation, Happens all across the Nation, But you and a hammer behind these blinds, Is not quite the thing that I had in mind. Upending, Your porcelain penguin, And that's not the way, They're supposed to be bending. And it's... Two cracked ankles, And a grisly ending, That's not the way they're bending Upending, Your porcelain penguin I like a bit of titillation, Happens all across the Nation, But you and a hammer behind these blinds, Is not quite the thing that I had in mind. I like a bit of titillation, Happens all across the Nation, But you and a hammer behind these blinds, Is not quite the thing that I had in mind. Upending, Your porcelain penguin, And that's not the way, They're supposed to be bending. And it's... Two cracked ankles, And a grisly ending, That's not the way they're bending Upending, Your porcelain penguin

The cupboards bare, There’s only dust in there, And there’s not a stitch, That’s left In my fridge I want to stay in, Turn the radio dials, Not fight my way down the freeze aisles, All I’ve got left is one sad potato, So I’ll have to go out sooner, Sooner not later Oh I know, Oh I know Oh no I know That I am running low Cos the breads gone green, The milk’s turned to sour cream, The cats on it’s last legs, From eating the can dregs But what’s that there at the back of the freezer, A turn of the century smartprice pizza, I’ve got a shit pizza and sad potato, I’ll have to go out sooner, Sooner not later Oh I know, Oh I know Oh no I know That I am running low Don’t panic buy all the toilet roll, Cos you’ve only got so many porcelain bowls, The collected works of Sigmund Freud Will be enough to clean up your haemmoroids I’ve got a shit pizza and sad potato, I’ll have to go out sooner, Sooner not later Oh I know, Oh I know Oh no I know That I am running low I'll have to go out sooner, Sooner not later

Villains of the Universe, Have your ambitions gone into reverse? Does your your quest for annihilation, Lacks some flair, let's think mass starvation? I know someone that could help you out So send your henchmen, send your scouts, You'll find him in Manny or thereabouts, You'll find him in Manny or thereabouts. He drowns them with kindness, talks them to death, Pestilence in his lair, The ginger haired boy with the fingers of death, Oh Liam the Cactus Slayer. He's the scourge of the succulents, Scourge of the succulents, Scourge of the succulents, Liam the Cactus Slayer. The green police well they need some help, Cos they had him once but now he’s out Lock up your green house and cover your beds, Cos he kills anything green in the North West. Don't trust him with your plants, It's not really worth taking that chance, Cos he killed his mums and he killed his dads, He's the butcher with the watering can. He drowns them with kindness, talks them to death, Pestilence in his lair, The ginger haired boy with the fingers of death, It's Liam the Cactus Slayer. He's the scourge of the succulents, Scourge of the succulents, Scourge of the succulents, Liam the Cactus Slayer.

(Hey Maud, do you wanna dance?) Mixing glitter in the shitty kitty litter, But don’t blink now you’ve got to pick up that sitter, And pick up that mouse that made you retch, 'cos she beat it to death with her etch a sketch, oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, oh no this cat don’t dance, oh no This cat don’t dance to Tullycraft, oh no She’s says that she’s a craftivist, But I think that she’s just taking the piss, To call art well that’s a stretch, When she’s off her tits with her etch a sketch This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, oh no this cat don’t dance, oh no This cat don’t dance to Tullycraft, oh no She’s sketchy in the basement, sketchy in the towers, She’s sketchy on the pavement and sketch in the flowers, I touch her and watch her clench, She said keep the f___ away from my etch a sketch keep the f___ away from my etch a sketch keep the f___ away from my etch a sketch This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no This cat don’t dance, oh no this cat don’t dance, oh no This cat don’t dance to Tullycraft, oh no Kitty cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no Kitty cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no Kitty cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no Kitty cat don’t dance, (mew mew) oh no etc.

Little bum notes and party crashers, It's sore throats and closet Margaret Thatchers, What a palaver llama llama melodrama What a palaver llama llama melodrama P1ssed on chips and broken lifts, Corporate towers and zero hours, What a palaver llama llama melodrama What a palaver llama llama melodrama Fly tippers and broken zippers, Inflation, inflation hot topics and conflagration, What a palaver llama llama melodrama What a palaver llama llama melodrama Blistered fingers and ankle stingers, Cash trapped and moral collapse What a palaver llama llama melodrama What a palaver llama llama melodrama And it's up down in out, Forwards backwards, Upside down What a palaver llama llama melodrama What a palaver llama llama melodrama

There’s rodents rioting in his roof, They’ve chewing through the wiring, Now they’re nesting in his mother’s pouffe He’s got a wide array of squirrel teeth, And he’s neatly arranged them, Upon his mantlepiece He's got a smile when he shoots, He's Got a smile when he shoots, Going turn those vermin into winter boots Ready Aim Fire. He's got a smile when he shoots, He's got a smile when he shoots, When there’s noises coming from his ceiling, Shoot it full of holes [*3] Full of holes Ready Aim Fire. S. Q. R. L.

It may sound drastic but, I wish my head was made of clear plastic, With an easy access hatch, Under the thatch of my brown hair My skull’s an aquarium, So you can tell me what’s going on, Fishy thoughts and bubblegum, Under the thatch of my brown hair Chorus Chop it off and superglue on another one, Chop it off and superglue on another one, They’re buy one get one free, On daytime shopping channel TV They’re two for one, on Amazon, Verse 2 Eyes like an airport viewing lounge, And nothing’s coming into land, No hostess to hold my hand, Under the thatch of my brown hair See through, clear view, See saw, eye sore Chorus

Hey, hey Michael won’t tell us if you can, Oh what happened to you, What happened to the jam pan And what about all of the things passed down from Nan, Was melted it for down scrap, Was taken in a white van Of all of the bric-a-brac, From your lifespan, Oh what happened to you, Where’s the fucking jam pan Where’s the fucking jam pan Rasp-berry, Straw-berry, and damson too, I fucking hate preserves, But wont’ you give us a clue Where are all of our childhood photos, Have they vanished down the back of Someone else’s three piece sofa Of all of the bric-a-brac, From your lifespan, Oh what happened to you, Where’s the fucking jam pan Where’s the fucking jam pan And how about your tool box, And your motorcycle gear, Sure they were in the garage, But now they’re not here What happened to the letters, To the drawings drawn? And all of that history, From when I was born? Of all of the bric-a-brac, From your lifespan, Oh what happened to you, Where’s the fucking jam pan Where’s the fucking jam pan It wasn’t yours to give away So I’ll hunt it all night and day, Well I’ll Burn my eyes on ebay Cos It wasn’t yours to give away It wasn’t yours to give away So I’ll hunt it all night and day, Well I’ll Burn my eyes on ebay It wasn’t yours to give away It wasn’t yours to give away It wasn’t yours to give away

That’s not tomato puree That’s not tomato puree That’s not tomato puree It’s my heart hey hey hey I heard my ribs surrender I heard my ribs surrender I heard my ribs surrender Cos your love slices like a handheld blender A million places you’d rather be A million places, A million miles from me Serve it up on a bed of lettuce, Serve it up with salad dressing, Sorry if I seemed depressed, But you’ve not been chopped like a chicken breast Hey! That’s not tomato puree That’s not tomato puree That’s not tomato puree It’s my heart hey hey hey I heard my ribs surrender I heard my ribs surrender I heard my ribs surrender Cos your love cuts like a handheld blender it’s an ugly looking organ It’s an ugly looking organ It’s an ugly looking organ that gets in the way Who needs one anyway?

88 little heart breaks, Eighty eight shakes made on the final takes, Just waiting around for you, To crop me out And it’s 88 little tears, 88 train wreck romantic affairs, It’s 88 girls who didn’t want to do, The locomotion with me And you don’t wanna do, You don’t wanna do You don’t wanna do The locomotion with me? 88 little pipedreams, 88 times that it’s all gone up in smoke, It’s 88 states of disgrace, That are etched upon my face And you don’t wanna do, You don’t wanna do You don’t wanna do The locomotion with me? Hey Kev well we just don’t seem to gel, You like Joy Division and I really love Adele. No No No No No No No, No No No No No No No, No No No No No No No, And I don’t wanna do, Don’t wanna do Don’t wanna do The locomotion with you!